carybrunswick.com
Do obituary before it's too late
When I left my editor’s job at a daily newspaper years ago, I promised our news clerk that I would be sending along my obituary so she could keep it on file. That way, when the time came, all she would have to do is plug in the date. Guess what? I haven’t followed through, though I have not avoided thinking about the subject. Obituaries have changed so much over the last quarter century; I simply have not been able to decide how to write it. I know this may seem like a grim subject, and it can be, I guess, but it is something we all have to deal with at some point. You know, there are birth notices, graduations, weddings, career accolades and, eventually, obituaries. They are part of our lives. It is no coincidence that obituaries are the most-read section of most newspapers. Until about 1990, newspapers treated obituaries as news; they were published free of charge and followed a strict style that required factual statements. After the mini-recession in the late 1980s, most newspapers started charging a fee for obits. That led to a loosening of the news style. Families were permitted to say just about anything they wanted, since obits had to be treated more like paid ads. That’s why today you often see much more than the traditional "who, what, why, where and when’’ in the first paragraphs of obituaries. It is not uncommon to read that so-and-so died and went home to join ancestors with the lord in heaven. Years ago, you couldn’t say that. Also forbidden by traditional style were adjectives describing how accomplished or great people were. Today, you could read that someone was the nicest guy in town and spent his life helping others. That may or may not be true, so in the old days you couldn’t say it in an obit. So, today, the choices are endless for what you might want to say in your own obituary or that of a family member, which can make it all the more challenging to proceed. There was a time when I thought people should start writing their autobiographies at about age 30, with the idea that they would be just about ready to wrap it up when the time came to do so. Then, an obituary would be more like a ``Cliff Notes’’ version of your life story. However, how do you know someone is telling the truth in an autobiography? What if liberties are taken, and positive situations are enhanced and negative ones are played down or omitted all together? It may not matter. I believe it was Albert Camus who wrote that the lies one tells about oneself show us as much about that person as the truths. Or, to quote him, ``Fiction is the lie through which we tell the truth.’’ In that case, our autobiographies become more like memoirs in which you are permitted to embellish your life experiences, using fiction to tell the truth. So where does that leave us when it is time to write our obituaries, when you are permitted to state the unverifiable as if it were fact, and describe an exemplary life even if it were not? Whether you’ve been working on an autobiography or not, it is never too early to plan your obituary. If you are still young, it can be a good exercise in deciding what you would like your obituary to say decades from now, sort of like setting goals and pursuing them. Naturally, to state that you died, nothing happened, and went nowhere but into nothingness is really no more factual than saying you gloriously entered some majestic kingdom of the afterlife. I have yet to see an obituary that stated the deceased immediately descended into hell. Just in case, I guess no one wants to say that. For myself, I could go beyond the facts of my existence as a journalist, editor and writer, husband and father, reader and golfer, by making each of those aspects of my life into varieties of human greatness. Or, I could stick to the facts. Anyway, now you might see the quandary of proceeding with my obituary. Being able to write anything you want, fact or fiction, provides a lot of freedom and turns the project into a difficult undertaking. And every time I see our news clerk around town, I have to explain that I’m still working on it, and vow that I definitely will get it to her before it’s too late.
The fans of George Washington may be feeling slighted these days because they don't think he gets the recognition during his birthday month that he used to enjoy years ago. They might say young people nowadays don't know the story about the hatchet and cherry tree because George doesn't get the attention in school that our nation’s first president deserves. Well, Sunday, Feb. 22, is Washington's birthday, even though it's not celebrated as such. Now most states have Presidents Day on the third Monday, which was Feb. 15 this year. And on Feb. 12 there was Lincoln's birthday, which also isn't thought of as a day of note anymore. Just think how low the Lincoln societies must feel. George Washington and Abe Lincioln promoters shouldn't complain, however, because at least they still have a holiday. After all, much of our population is being ignored each year when we honor our great citizens with special days. If you think it’s sad that those presidents’ birthdays got merged into one day, how do you believe women must feel about their heroes not having any day at all. What really stands out about our holidays is that they honor men. We don't have one holiday that pays tribute to a woman, except of course Mother’s Day, but Father’s Day complements that. Look at the holidays and think about it. New Year's Days are neutral. Martin Luther King Jr. was a male civil rights leader. Abe Lincoln and George Washington were presidents (and we know they all have been men). St. Valentine was a man. Memorial Day honors our soldiers killed while fighting in wars. Though women have been killed in the line of duty, until recently they have not been permitted in combat. The Fourth of July marks the signing of our nation's Declaration of Independence by a group of men. Labor Day began as a union holiday to honor the working man. And Columbus was a brutal, male explorer who hardly deserves a day of recognition at all. Thanksgiving probably should be seen as gender neutral, though most of the folklore surrounding it refers to the male Indian Squanto helping the Pilgrim men with the crops. Christmas, which is a national and religious holiday, honors the birth of a male spiritual leader. The fascination with men probably shouldn't be surprising since it took the government nearly 140 years to grant women the right to vote. And it wasn't that the Founding Fathers were ignorant of the notion. Our greatest early first lady, Abigail Adams, gave her husband, John, a clear statement of what the new young nation ought to be doing for women. Referring to the drafting of a new code of laws, Abigail Adams warned, "Remember, all men would be tyrants if they could. If particular care and attention are not paid to the ladies, we are determined to foment a rebellion, and will not hold ourselves bound to obey the laws in which we have no voice of representation." The men didn't listen. But today we can make up for the oversight that has marked more than 240 years of American history. Women deserve more than a month celebrating their history. We really need to have a holiday in August, like most other nations in the world. In fact, most European commerce shuts down at least a week so people can get some R & R. Our Canadian neighbors to the north have a civic holiday in August to break up that long summer stretch from early July to Labor Day in September. Fortunately, we don't have to look far to find a good reason to declare an appropriate day in August a holiday. Women’s rights not only deserve recognition but can serve as a reminder that our men of power for generations held women at bay by denying them the basic democratic right to vote. Yes, the long battle for women's suffrage finally ended on Aug. 26, 1920, after enough states ratified the 19th Amendment. What a good opportunity to educate ourselves about the great women who struggled all those decades just for the right to vote, and those since who have continued to fight for fair play at home, in the workplace and in sports. Let's make the first Monday in August a new holiday, Women’s Rights Day. Spread the word; write your members of Congress. If we don't act fast, it'll be dedicated to some old president who likes to name things after himself.